At Realistic Mustache Co. we take great pride in each and every artificial mustache we produce, and we promise to provide you with the highest quality soup sifters known to man (and woman), at prices many can afford.
We’re often asked, “Why don’t you also make realistic sideburns, eyebrows, or beards, including Van Dykes, goatees, anchors, balbos, Bretts, chin curtains, chin straps, mutton chops, friendly mutton chops, Garibaldis, soul patches, spades, or even Verdis?”
The answer is simple. Our founder, Horatio Flan, believed in doing one thing and doing it right, mostly because brain trauma incurred as a youth left him incapable of holding more than a single thought in his head at a time.
We thank you for visiting our little patch of the online fake-upper-lip-facial-hair world and encourage you to shop around with our competitors first, then come back and tell us how much they’re charging for their products so that we can price ours accordingly. Thanks for doing that. It’s hard figuring out how much these things should cost.
THE REALISTIC MUSTACHE CO. PROMISE(S) TO YOU
1. We will sell you only the best in artificial mustaches, unless they’re out of stock,
in which case we will sell you other ones.
2. All of our mustaches are made of 100% genuine materials.
3. We will continue to support our community by hiring its children for our factories.
4. If for any reason you’re not completely satisfied with your Realistic Mustache,
you may send it back to us if you feel like it.
5. We believe that someone spiked the punch, but that it wasn’t us.
6. Rigorous animal testing is performed on each and every one of our mustaches
to ensure that it’s of the highest quality.
7. We will sell no mustache before its time.
8. We’ll get you, if it’s the last thing we ever do.
9. There’s a full day’s supply of vitamins and minerals in every one of our mustaches.
10. We support the [90's New Jack Swing R&B group] Troop.