Realistic Moustache Co. was founded in August of 1911 by Horatio Flan—a 23-year-old recipe store owner from BraSwell, Georgia, who had a little money, a big dream, and a case of seasonal dropsy. Although he’d found himself a great degree of fame and fortune as the “Recipe Boy to the Stars,” with a client list that included Pancho Villa, Gentleman Jim Corbett’s nephew Jim, and at least three men claiming to be Napoleon, Flan had ambitions that far exceeded even the glamorous existence of a recipe boy.
Flan’s extraordinary vision and sense of wonderment is evident even in this journal entry from June 17th, 1900, when he was just 12 years old:
Mix two parts water with one part flour. Whisk vigorously until the mixture is fluid, but tacky. Now, here comes the big secret: Sprinkle in a dash of nutmeg along with one tablespoon of brandy. That’s right! Brandy!! Herein lies the sensational taste treat…
Legend has it that Flan was struck by a bolt of inspiration one cold Summer’s night while working on a recipe for cornbread fritters with pickled sanddabs. The following morning, after sobering up, he shredded his recipes, murdered his business partner and declared Realistic Moustache Company “open for business!”
As to what kind of business exactly, he didn’t know quite yet. What he did know was that the artificial mustache industry was booming, and that ever since he was a child he had wanted to build a website of his own—out of cinder and slate and rough-hewn wood, and clumps of hair held down with saliva. And so, after a year-long stint impersonating a nun, he got right to work, building the first false mustache website since that one the Sumarians created.
The workload was heavy in the beginning, with Flan coming home many a night long after his wife Oprah had put little Regis to bed, and had herself nodded off in front of the cat.
Still, in spite of the arduous task with which he’d charged himself, Flan continued coming home late, even on nights when he wasn’t working. Yet through it all he held firm to his vision—of finding another wife, and also of building a website that sells realistic looking mustaches, and in his own words, “none of that fake-looking shit.”
For nearly 30 years Flan worked his fingers to the bone building that website, brick-by-brick, stone-by-stone, driving nails into beams with his fingers.
Then, on February 14th, 1940—appropriately enough, Veteran’s Day—Flan laid down the last of the bearskin rugs in the butler’s quarters and proclaimed Realistic Moustache Company open for business.
The following morning, while baking one of his specialty cakes to celebrate the completion of his life’s work, Flan tragically burned Realistic Moustache Company to the ground, barely escaping the brick-and-mortar false mustache website with his life.
In an inspired, alcohol-fueled statement he made that same evening before his sleeping wife and cat, Flan would say:
Most fail to take into consideration the subtle yet important adjustments that must be made to baking times at varying altitudes. The following is a detailed list of such adjustments, foot-by-foot, for elevations of up to 10 miles.
Although Horatio Flan wouldn’t live to see Realistic Moustache Company revisit its day-long glory (he passed away during his wife’s sleep on a warm Winter’s day in 1955), current RMC chairman Sean Perrine would—inspired by a one-man play about the life of Buddy Ebsen—restore Flan’s original vision, based on original plans he stole from the Flan residence.
Today, Realistic Mustache Co. (notice that we’ve removed the original “o” in “Mustache,” because it looks gay) is a world leader in the internets and produces more false mustaches in a single week than the entire country of Suriname does in five days.
In addition, during these tough economic times, RMC takes its role as a “job creator” seriously, providing employment for nearly 20,000 migrant workers and children, 16 hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. Take that, Enron!
All of us here at Realistic Mustache Co. are proud to be able to carry on the legacy of Horatio Flan, and we look forward to serving the world’s online false mustache needs for centuries to come. In the words of our dead founder:
Let cool for 20 minutes before serving.